Kunoichi, or the trials thereof
by Kalsoklv
Summary: It's a story. It has a beggining, it has a middle, I swear it might even get an end. A little catastrophe happens, and as usual Naruto is right in the middle of it. T for...various stuff.
1. An unofficial mission

No matter how I change this stuff never does. You write pointless disclaimers here, such as I do not own any characters except my OC's, all credit for things not mine go to whomever they belong to, especially Masashi Kishimoto (as he wrote the manga, which if you like you should buy) and I do not get paid anything but online cookies for writing this or anything else I decide to with my my shiny new identity. If you think you know who I am, don't tell anyone.

The first story I am publishing under this account, and it's a Naruto. I think that's ironic. Truly, Kami has issues with me. Anyway, the point of this story, and the title, is far from being clear, but I swear it will make sense later. If I finish it.

* * *

It all began with the Nara family's main warehouse. While how, or why, it happened is still unknown to all except possibly the Black Anbu, and they aren't talking even if they do. All that is known is that in one day Konoha village changed forever.

Naruto, of course, was at the very center of the problem.

"Alright, Konohamaru, now watch this. I'm gonna show you one more time, but then you gotta do it yourself. **Sexy no jutsu!**"

As the dust settled a blue eyed girl in long blond ponytails stood where the young ninja had been not a moment before. "You think you've got, kid?" she asked. "Yeah boss, I got it, I got it. Like this…**Sexy no jutsu!**" Konohamaru was engulfed in vapors as well, the pop of smoke pellets sounding through the small clearing.

"Almost kid, you've done it before, I don't get why you keep messing up. Have you even looked at a pretty girl before? You look more like a lumpy sack with your face. Hahahaha"

"Show me one more time boss, I can't get these stupid boobs to look right"

"Alright, fine" the blond said as they both changed back into boys.

"Watch close, 'cause I'm not doing this again. You're gonna have to learn how to train on your own."

"That's how you learned how to do the sexy jutsu, right boss?"

"That's how I learned most of then stuff I know, you have to do it yourself or…" he cut off and looked towards the edge of the woods. Konohamaru looked puzzled until Sasuke and Neji sprang from the trees to stand near the two. "The council said you'd probably be here. Squad nine has a mission, Naruto" said Neji as Sasuke leaned into the shadows surrounding the tree limb he had perched himself on.

"What the heck are you doing here, Neji? And why do we have a mission? Ero Sennin said we were going training!" "He isn't back yet, baka, and an order is an order" Sasuke replied for Neji as he turned. "We meet in the Hokage's old office in one hour. Hurry up." " Wa-wait Sasuke, why are we meeting there? Wait u…" he stopped as Sasuke gave him one of those looks that said " I can't believe you have the audacity to continue" as he turned on his heel, about to leave.

"A moment, Sasuke. There is something I wish to discuss with the two of you. It will take only a moment, if you would." Neji's quiet voice shattered the tension that was slowly building between the two like the blade of a well sharpened kunai. "Shikamaru has something he is to be delivering to the council, and he requested me to accompany him. The way he phrased it I believe it is more than a simple errand, although it may simply be that he is being cautious due to the threat of Orochimaru. As we are going in more or less the same direction, would you be willing to make a slight detour and assist us?"

"Isn't the Nara research labs almost a day away from Konoha?" quipped Konohamaru, somewhat disgruntled by the apparent ignorance he was being shown. "What! I didn't know that!" Naruto said.

"You don't know anything you knuckle head," Sasuke replied. " I take it Nara is closer than that. What is his current location?" he asked as he turned towards Neji.

"I was told that it was being delivered to Shikamaru on the outskirts of Konoha forest, on the due east side of the village, by a group of the Nara. They don't have enough time to deliver it the whole way, they are merely passing through, so he has been pressed into service. We are so short on able bodied ninja at the moment, Shikamaru has a valid point; these woods are indeed no longer safe. I will be going now" he said as he turned towards the barely discernable path leading away from the entrance to the village.

"I bet it's just another way for that guy to slack off" Naruto said as he turned to follow Neji. "What about me, boss? I'm not allowed out of the village without permission, or being with a ninja. I'll get in so much trouble." "Fine, whatever kid, but keep up or we're leaving you behind." "Right, boss" he said as the two of them took to the trees, Sasuke following right behind them. "If there's any trouble, stay out of the way" was Sasuke's only comment as he quickly passed Naruto and Konohamaru to join Neji.

You're right, boss, he is a pain," Konohamaru complained, only to be told more or less the same thing by the orange clad boy who was swiftly outrunning Konohamaru, seemingly without effort. The young ninja-to-be could barely keep up with the seasoned shinobi that were slowly but surely leaving him behind. Fearing being left alone amongst the trees he pushed himself further.

-o.0.o-

As Shikamaru leisurely walked to the edge of Konoha forest he found himself wondering why it was his clan couldn't just deliver whatever it was to the council themselves. He and his squad had just come off a mission, and he was exhausted. All Shikamaru wanted to do was find a patch of grass and watch the clouds drift by until he drifted off to sleep. _Jeez, this is such a drag. What is my father thinking, sending a group that won't come all the way? He knows I'll just have to come get the stuff _he thought to himself as he scratched the back of his head, a comforting gesture to his aching mind.

Suddenly sensing the approach of several people from behind him he leapt into the nearest tree capable of supporting his weight and placed his hand closer towards the pouch that rested on his hip. Recognizing the nearly silent footsteps of the incoming group as containing Neji, as well as Sasuke and Naruto, he silently dropped back to the middle of the path he had been treading moments before. _What are those guys doing here?_ he mused as continued to walk. _No use waiting, it'll only waste time. Who else is with them? _he thought as the sound of a fourth member stumbling broke the groups rhythm, or at least Naruto's.

Mere seconds later Neji and Sasuke shot from the trees to join him on the nearly unperceivable trail. "Neji, did you have bring the whole gang? Who else is…" he trailed off as the answer landed at his feet in the form of a out of breath Konohamaru riding piggy back on the still lightly breathing Naruto. "Hey, What's the kid doing here. Ain't he the Fourth Hokage's Grandson?"

"It's a long story, and one that I do not believe we have the time to discuss at the moment" replied Neji. "The borders of Konoha forest are being watched, it seemed to me that sending a single shinobi to collect something to be delivered to the council could be construed to be a sign of weakness. I did not intend to bring Naruto and the child, but they were there at the time I asked Sasuke"

-o.0.o-

"Well, sor-ry for being unwanted." Naruto interjected "It's just a stupid errand, I should a' just gone by Ichiraku and gotten a snack before our mission started." "Nobody told you to come, knucklehead" responded Sasuke as they all continued to their destination.

If the Nara clan wasn't famous for their intelligence, it would be the Nara males abhorrence to straining themselves in any way that would be their defining feature. In true Nara fashion the small band of research ninja arrived at the pre-agreed meeting place at an almost snail-like pace, exactly on time and not a moment before. Their treatment of the small wooden box they were intrusting to Shikamaru, however, was at odds with their seeming boredom.

They refused to even give it to him until he had proven to their satisfaction that he was indeed who he claimed to be, and that the rest of the group accompanying him was truly what they appeared; a group of young comrades from Konoha. After imparting the almost routine instructions to deliver it to the council, to not allow it to be damaged or shaken around excessively, and to refrain from losing it under the subtle insinuation that there would be hell to pay if it did not find its way to its destination safely, they left in the same leisurely manner they had come, the last one even yawning as he followed them sluggishly.

_Ugh, they even made me do a shadow possession. _Shikamaru thought as the shinobi began there journey back towards Konoha._ We really need a password or a series of questions, instead of all that. Then again, others could figure them out and that would … what if we… _Shikamaru, lost in though, was not so rapt up that he failed notice Neji's right hand's small movement, directing his attention to the forest that lay before them.

_Great, and here I thought this was going to be a quick errand_ he thought as even Naruto noticed the presence looming beyond them, swerving off course with Konohamaru in tow. _At least Naruto's gained enough sense to know he can't fight with someone on his back…or maybe not_ he thought in the back of his mind as an orange blur passed through his vision.

-o.0.o-

As soon as Naruto noticed the signs his teammates were sending each other he recognized they were not alone on their trek towards Konoha. While he wasn't the most observant of ninja, once he knew where his opponents were located it was merely a matter of time before he rushed in and finished them off. Since the chunnin exams, however, he had learned some self restraint; not every situation could be resolved through unbridled, unthinking violence.

Within the space of a moment he had left Konohamaru in the care of a shadow clone and had sent an additional two clones to scope out the situation. It was surprising that he hadn't simply gone himself, but he had decided that a plan with his fellow compatriots might come in handy.

The information his clones brought back wasn't all that surprising; several unidentified shinobi were up ahead, and they were most definitely not leaf-nin. The badges they wore, or didn't wear in this case, indicated they were up to no good. Naruto didn't think the were going to be that much of a problem; he said he could take them out himself, and for once the rest of the group agreed. Shikamaru thought they were either trying to attract attention or they were pretty low level shinobi judging by their method of approach. However, he didn't become known for his strategic abilities by rushing in haphazardly, much less into something that promised a workout.

And this was no longer a walk in the woods.

* * *

Should I even bother asking for reviews? I thought not.


	2. Stupid Mystery Box Mission

It came to my attention that I never stated the time at which this little literary dalliance takes place. I am either slipping, need to see yet another doctor, or require a more recent mental evaluation…possibly all three. Please forgive me.

This takes place shortly after the Chunin exams, but prior to Naruto and Jiraiya's trip to retrieve Tsunade. While I'm at it slant is thoughts, primarily; bold is anything else I want to emphasize. If you actually bothered to read this far into the authors notes, consider yourself unique, you are possibly the first one to read through one of my pointless rants.

* * *

It was merely luck that team Konoha had stumbled onto the small band of shinobi. They had finished taking a break, and were just taking off to wherever they were going, according to what Shikamaru. He had found the place they had been moments before, even finding the place where one off them had been idly flicking kunai at a tree.

_Whoever did this needs training, he's worse than Naruto. While they may pose little threat to us, they may not be so benign to the village. I'll leave Neji and Sasuke here to observe, the rest of us will go report it. It's not my job to deal with this. _Having come to this conclusion Shikamaru, being the only chunin present, was going to order a tactical surveillance/retreat tactic when orange boy decided he was bored just waiting around.

**Kage Bushin no Jutsu**rang out through the trees as several Narutos headed towards the southwest, the last place Shikamaru wanted them. _Man, what a drag, looks like we're going in anyways_was all he had time to give as he, Sasuke and Neji followed their over-exuberant team mate.

-o.0.o-

The last member of the unknown squad never saw it coming. One minute he was running through the twisted paths of tangled tree limbs and trunks; the next he was tasting dirt and his own blood, the weight on his back and the darkness coming to claim him. The Naruto sitting on the back of the first enemy casualty looked up and grinned as Shikamaru came by, only to lose that grin at the response he received.

"You knucklehead, don't kill them. We need to know what they're up to!" _He's not dead, yet. Jeez, gimme a break Shikamaru_. "The other three went that way, I'll get 'em" the Naruto said, then dissolved with a slight popping sound. Clones are like that.

The three of Team who-knows, however, had other ideas about getting caught. As soon as they had realized they were being pursued they regrouped, targeting the closest leaf-nin first; Shikamaru. Using a tri-angular formation they surrounded him, the one to his right throwing shuriken at him with a wild abandon that would leave an leaf-academy student in convulsions. _The guy can't even throw_Shikamaru thought as he prepared to perform the Shadow Possession Technique. As he latched onto the three he could see Sasuke catching up, Neji having stayed behind to bind the first of the fallen. Suddenly a whir to his right caused Shikamaru to groan. _He just never learns, does_… was the only thing he had time to think before Naruto had come down on his opponent, and all of them crashed to the ground.

-o.0.o-

When Shikamaru came to, the first thing he did was look for Naruto. _If I could think of a way to kill him without moving, I'd do so_flitted through his head as he evaluated the situation. He didn't have to look that far, Naruto was the one carrying him. Shikamaru could still feel the box that started this whole mission in his pouch; it felt intact, so he kept up the pretense of unconsciousness. There was no need to pass up a free ride back to the village. Besides, Naruto owed him an apology for knocking him out in the first place.

_Oh, man_Naruto thought, _it's a good thing Sakura isn't here, she would so make a triple-dip ice cream sundae out of my head. Probably wanting to give me seconds after, too._It took him a minute after he had tackled the unknown nin to figure out what had happened, and probably wouldn't have realized at all if Neji hadn't called him an idiot for attacking his own teammate. Shikamaru's Shadow Possession Technique had taken effect just as Naruto had hit; and as he had captured all three with his signature jutsu, he had fallen with the other two on the impact.

Konohamaru and Naruto, carrying Shikamaru, were going back to the village; Neji and Sasuke were waiting for them to inform the guards at Konoha's gates and send re-enforcements. Naruto and Sasuke still needed to report for mission duty; the deadline for their arrival was quickly approaching.

-o.0.o-

When Naruto and Sasuke reported for duty at the hall of councilors, joined by Sakura and Kakashi, they were informed that their mission was to begin in the morning. It promised to be a fairly standard mission; escort a group of merchants from one border of the land of fire to the other through one of the narrowest points towards the south. It probably wouldn't take more than a couple of days to complete it, a week at most if nothing went wrong.

Shikamaru turned in the box as instructed; slightly worse for wear after the fall, but mission complete….maybe

* * *

Short Chapters are short, flame me.

* * *

Not to be a whiner or anything, but it may be a while before I update this puppy. I had it almost finished, a good nine or ten chapters worth, then my computer was hacked by some unsavory character. All of the story was lost, and I don't know if I want to spend all the time it would take to re-write it to do so. Between that and the attempted suicide of one of my close family members, summer courses, and the hospitalization of my father for mental and diabetic reasons leaves me feeling like just abandoning the little sucker. If someone really wants it to be finished leave a review or something.


	3. Great, now what?

Alright, next chapter. Sorry it's so short, I didn't wish to giveaway the next... situation. I don't know how often I will be able to post, I'm finally on brake and am now the only adult amidst six children half the time. Not very conductive to writing, I'm afraid. Also, thankyou, 19Maria9.

* * *

Chapter 3, Great, now what?

When Naruto learned he had the rest of the day to get ready, he did what he usually did on such an occasion; procrastinate. After all, he was hungry. Besides, he could pack his gear in less than time than it took Jiraiya to spot a girl, what with his shadow clones and all.

He headed off to the only restaurant that would let him in with out putting poor Gama-chan on a serious diet; Ichiraku's.

As usual the old man at the shop added an egg to his bowl as he frantically dug through his pockets for the coupon he had received earlier, finally locating the ever elusive scrap of paper on the inside of his sandal. _I really need to find a better place to stick these things_ he thought after sheepishly forking the ticket in exchange for his bowl. "Itadakimasu!" he loudly proclaimed as he dug with a vengeance.

-o.0.o-

As Neji entered the Hyuuga he was nearly bowled over by pint sized recruits. "Gomen, Neji-san!" they chirped as they flew out the main gate. Neji recognized the supervisor of the gaggle of children, none of whom looked to be older than five, to be the same elderly ninja who had trained him prior to entering the academy. That was probably where the tykes were headed now. _Their failure to adhere to common courtesy can be excused if that is the case, _Neji thought as he headed deeper into the compound, remembering his excitement at being led to the school grounds for the first time. He took the time to straighten his hitai and shake some of the dust from his robes as he entered the main household's area. Lord Hizashi would be waiting for his report.

-o.0.o-

It wasn't long before Naruto had finished the bowl, and half a dozen like it, and was on his way back to his apartment in the public shinobi barracks. He noticed he was being shadowed long before he was jumped; the kid might have realized square rocks and sideways fence posts didn't hide his presence well, but he still had a long way to go in the stealth department.

"What do you want now, Konohamaru?" he sighed as he stretched his arms over his head. Just because Naruto was a bundle of energy didn't mean he didn't get tired. He really just wanted to pack his weapons and gear, finish his evening training, and go to bed.

"Aw, come on boss. I still need help with that jutsu. If I can't get it down I'll never be able to do the harem jutsu."

"Why don't you practice it yourself? I told you, you have to figure this stuff out yourself."

"Just show me one more time, boss. Please?"

By this time Naruto was getting a bit annoyed, but he knew how it was to want someone's help. How many times had he said the same thing to one of hi instructors back in the academy, only to be rejected and insulted?

"Alright, Konohamaru, but just this once okay? I've got a super-important mission tomorrow and I need to get ready."

-o.0.o-

As Kakashi drank the tea he had brought he chuckled lightly. Perched in a tree near his favorite hiding spot he turned the page of the bright orange book he clasped in his hand. Really, besides the clearing that contained the memory stone and the roof he was currently over looking he had no other place outside his home to be. He reached out his free hand to pick up his tea bowl, but found himself grasping the air. He looked up at where he had placed it only to learn it had slipped down the branch slightly. As he moved to clutch it he noticed a crack running down from the rim. _Well this is a problem._

-o.0.o-

The two boys arrived at the training grounds near the academy in a matter of moments. "You have the hand signs down. You just need to remember to visualize the whole body. You concentrate too much on one or two parts. Okay? Here I go! **Sexy no Jutsu**"

-o.0.o-

What….what happened?

Konohamaru thought as he groggily shifted his prostrated body into a less prone position. As he ran his hand across his face the path it took continued through his long hair…

* * *

I'm curious if anyone will guess what did happen.

The button below requests you touch it.


	4. Whhyyyy?

So, my brother, TUAOA MORRISTOFOX, just turned twenty today. We were discussing this Naruto fic he's working on, when he asked what happed to this one. Quite frankly I had forgotten this account entirely, but I'll work on this story as I can. Here's a present, little bro!

* * *

"Hey Konohamaru, you did it!" Naruto exclaimed as he took in the sight of a brunette with decidedly not square boobs. She was dressed in Konohamaru's clothes, but hey, who cared? As the two female Shinobi began a victory dance, a single bird flew over head.

-o.0.o-

Naruto thought this was an excellent time to get some ramen. Never mind the fact that he had eaten less than an hour ago. Ramen always made sense. "Hey Konohamaru, don't change back yet! Let's go freak out old man Ichiraku!" Naruto said. The two gathered their things and spent the whole trip back laughing at each other's attempts to keep their breasticles from flapping around. _All this jiggling is making my chest sore. How do girls put up with these things?_ Konohamaru thought. As they entered the main square in front of Hokage tower they were engulphed in a crowd. Said crowd, quite frankly, may be the largest gathering of ninja and non shinobi alike in the history of the village. What the heck was going on?

Naruto may not be the sharpest kunai in the holster, but one thing he knew well were the people of Konoha. Sure, he didn't necessarily know their names or positions, but he knew their faces and personalities. Some he had learned the hard way, such as the grocer down the road who wouldn't sell him anything, others by simple observation. When he started picking out faces he recognized, but only vaguely, he was a bit worried. He put two, two, and a bowl of ramen together and got even more confused. When in doubt, look for the team, he muttered as he began his search. Most of the shinobi handbook he found ridiculous, but that idea just made sense.

Quickly running through the hand signs to de-feminize himself, Naruto leapt to the top of the nearest roof. Not seeing his teammates, or even his year mates, he made his way to the old Uchiha complex. Sasuke was usually lurking about there, and since Kakashi wasn't in his usual tree or eve, it was as good a place as any.

-o.0.o-

Shikamaru caught a glimpse of orange leaving the square via roof top. _There's only one shinobi crazy enough to wear such a knife me now color _Shikamaru thought. I guess I should see if he's been affected as well.

-o.0.o-

By time Shikamaru caught up to Naruto they were approaching the Uchiha training grounds. "Naruto, wait up!" he called. _This is such a drag. First the hips and now this?_ Landing in the clear place between two trees that Naruto stood in.

"Shikamaru?" Naruto said uncertainly. "Ha ha ha, why are you henged into girl?"

"The same reason as you, I would guess." Shikamaru replied.

"Awa?"

Naruto looked down, only to be confronted by a set of boobs. Not the large ones he usually had using his anti-perv maneuver, but clearly not supposed to be there.

"What the heck is going on Shikamaru?"

" Half the village males are stuck like this. It's definitely henge, but no-one that I know of has been able to undo it. Didn't you notice the chakra drain?"

"You know it takes a lot for me to notice…" catching movement out of the corner of his eye he turned to see his panicking teammate come running towards them, long hair swinging behind him.

-o.0.o-

There are some things that left Naruto completely speechless. The time he was knocked lips first into the teme, or walked in on the fifth naked, or even Orochmaru's face had all left him in such a state. And while he had occasionally wondered what Sasuke did when he wasn't posing, practicing, or skulking, he wasn't sure he wanted to think about the implications of what he could now never un-see.

That is soooo not his color, Naruto thought giddily as he hoped the fabled brain-bleaching no jutsu really existed. For as Naruto watched his almost hysterical teammate fluttering around he was nearly blinded by the sequined furisode Sasuke wore. The purple lipstick wasn't helping matters either. _Did he dress like that after we got stuck or….. La la la, I'm not listening, _he thought, desperately hoping the rest of his team was less…. whatever that was.

* * *

Who will be girly-fied next? How did it happen? Write some reviews and find out!


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